Top Baby Carriers for a New Mom to Try

Now that I'm pregnant with baby #2 (we find out the gender tomorrow!), I've started thinking about how I'm going to juggle a 14-month-old (that would be Felix) and a newborn. Every scenario I imagine depends on one of the best secret mommy weapons: babywearing. 

I consider babywearing to be an art that requires trial and error and lots of practice--and I am certainly still a beginner. But I have tried many different types of baby carriers with Felix, and have developed some favorites for the various stages of babydom that I thought I would share with you. 

These baby carrier favorites are listed in the order that I suggest a new mom should buy and introduce them, based on the baby's age and needs. 

1. Boba wrap 

Based on my experience, the first carrier that a new mom needs in her arsenal is a Boba wrap. This carrier is basically a long stretch piece of fabric that you can tie on and leave on, popping baby in and out as needed throughout the day. This is my favorite newborn carrier because it's perfect for constant skin-to-skin nap time, which is basically all newborns do. It's also easy to tie on before you leave the house so you can pop your newborn in when running errands instead of lugging that dreadful, awkward infant seat (why do we do that to ourselves? No mom in the history of moms has ever gracefully managed to lug that thing anywhere). 

So how should a new mom use the Boba wrap? Practice tying it on before your baby arrives. Once baby is home, any time that baby is napping and you have things to do (use the bathroom, cook, take care of a baby, watch TV), take off your shirt, tie on the Boba, and go about your business while baby naps against your bare chest. When you have to leave the house, just tie on the Boba first (this time with a shirt on) and then pop baby in when you arrive at your destination. It's really that easy with this wrap. 

Best for: skin-to-skin with a napping newborn, errands with a newborn

2. Ring sling

The next carrier I recommend picking up is a ring sling, because it's even more convenient than the Boba. It takes a bit of practice to get the rails tight enough and baby in a comfortable position, but once you figure it out it's the fastest carrier to use--no tying required, no long pieces of fabric. 

Baby will probably nap in the ring sing just like in the Boba, but it's easier for you to take on and off as you need throughout the day. It doesn't seem as cozy for a newborn as the Boba wrap, which is why I recommend it second, but it's convenience might make up for the cozy factor. 

I also recommend the ring sling second because I would wait to switch to the ring sling for around the house carrying until baby is a few weeks old and you don't necessarily need to spend the whole day shirtless doing skin-to-skin. This is because once tied on, the Boba offers enough coverage that it's almost like a shirt. But if you go topless in the ring sling you'll feel more bare. I personally feel more comfortable wearing the ring sling with a nursing tank on underneath, so with my newborn I plan to use mainly the Boba wrap during those first two weeks or so when I'm aiming for at least 6 hours a day of skin-to-skin.

Best for: quickest baby carrier to put on 

....

You can probably get by with just the Boba and the ring sling for a few months. But once baby starts getting bigger, the Boba will start to sag a bit because it contains Lycra, and you might start looking for something with a bit more support.

3. Mei tai

Once your baby is big enough that you find yourself longing for something with some more support, I'd buy a mei tai. A mei tai is sort of like a cross between a wrap and a soft structured carrier (like an Ergo), because it offers the support of an Ergo but you tie it on instead of buckling. 

I love the mei tai because I find it more comfortable than an Ergo for longer periods of babywearing, such as naps around the house while carrying a 3-4 month old or shopping trips. Watch some You Tube videos before you try to tie it on yourself. The only downside to the mei tai for out-of-the-house trips is that the straps are so long you might find them dragging on the ground while you tie it on. I'm sure you could find a You Tube video with tips on how to tie it on without dragging, and it's worth it because it's so comfortable with a slightly bigger baby. 

The mei tai can also be used for back carries, which you might find yourself wanting to try at this point. I still have never tried the mei tai for a back carry, but I think all it would take is watching some You Tube videos to figure out how to do it without a second pair of hands to help you. 

Best for: naps around the house, grocery shopping with a 3-4 month old, back carries with a 3-4 month old

4. Ergo or Boba soft structured carrier

Once baby is big enough to use an Ergo without the newborn insert, that's when I would buy one. I would pick a gender neutral color if you have a husband you want to try baby wearing, because the Ergo is the one carrier I have recommended so far that I think most males would be willing to try (my husband will even use it, but only if I help him put it on). 

The Ergo is pretty comfortable for grocery shopping trips & other errands, but just not as comfortable as a mei tai in my opinion. I have just recently figured out how to do back carries with it on my own in a parking lot (again, watch You Tube videos for this), so now that I'm pregnant I'm switching to using the Ergo on my back whenever I need to carry Felix out in public. 

The Ergo has so many great uses that I *almost* recommend buying it before the mei tai...the only thing that makes me prefer the mei tai is the comfort factor with a medium-sized baby. It's just so cozy to wear, for both momma and baby, while the Ergo has buckles and a waist band that are just more practical than cozy. So definitely buy an Ergo, and maybe even before a mei tai, but don't forget to try a mei tai as well!

Best for: quickest/easiest to put on while running errands, getting your reluctant husband or partner to babywear, quick back carries while out of the house, hiking

5. Wrap 

By now, you might be addicted to babywearing. If that's the case, it's time to buy a wrap! Wraps take a lot more practice than any of the other carriers, but they can be tied on so many different ways that many seasoned babywearers end up using wraps exclusively after awhile. Front, hip, back--a wrap can be tied on every which way. So far I like my wrap for back carries around the house, but I'm much too scared/lazy to figure out how to use it for back carries out of the house. 

I imagine that I will use my wrap much more with my second baby, because I plan to figure out how to tie my newborn onto my back around the house. This will free up my front and arms to still play with and take care of Felix while not neglecting my newborn, as well as cook dinner safely while babywearing. I've already seen You Tube videos that show how to do a back carry safely with a newborn, so I think this time I will have the guts to try it out. 

Best for: cozy back carries around the house (with any age baby), versatility, playing around with different fabrics, colors, and patterns

5 Months Old!

Felix Anthony is 5 months old! We've had an insanely transformative month--Felix's Daddy came home from Afghanistan and the whole family settled in to our new home in Connecticut!

Felix can: almost sit up (he can hold himself in a sitting position, but will tip over), roll from back to front, lift one arm up when he's on his tummy, turn around 360 degrees while he's on his tummy, reach for anything and everything, recognize his bottle, grab his toes, jump like a wild man in his jumperoo!

Felix is sleeping through the night every now and then. If he doesn't sleep until 5:30 or 6:00 am, he only wakes up once for a bottle and then goes right back to bed.  Now that Daddy is back, he gets up and feeds Felix while I sleep! I'm also not pumping in the middle of the night anymore. My milk supply has gone down a bit because of this, but not too much. The extra sleep is worth it! Felix's nap schedule is still a little wonky--he naps 2-3 times a day, but sometimes has a few short naps instead of nice long ones. He sleeps in his crib at night, but during the day I sometimes let him sleep in my bed--it makes it easier for me to soothe him to sleep if I can lay with him for a few minutes. 

Felix is still 100% breastmilk fed, through a combination of milk that I pump and donor milk. I highly encourage any moms struggling with breastfeeding or low milk supply to look for a milk donor through Eats on Feets or Human Milk 4 Human Babies--two Facebook groups that have been amazing for us!

Our daily schedule looks something like this: 

5:30 am: Wake up, pump, feed Felix a bottle

6:30 am: Take Bryan to train

7:00 am: Home, get back in bed for a nap (the two of us)

8:30-9:00 am: Wake up, get dressed to go to the gym, feed Felix

9:30 am: Felix goes in the childcare room at the gym and I work out (usually running--I'm doing the Couch to 5K program to help me get back in shape)

10:30 am: Leave the gym & head home; Felix usually falls asleep in the car

10:45 am: Felix takes a short nap; I clean the house or go on the computer

11:45 am: Felix wakes up & I feed him a bottle; I have lunch and then we play

1:45 pm: Felix naps again; I clean, begin dinner prep, & go on the computer; I also usually pump again

3:45 pm: Felix wakes up, I feed him another bottle, then we play or leave the house to run an errand

5:30 pm: Leave to pick Bryan up at train

6:30 pm: I cook dinner while Bryan plays with Felix

7:00 pm: Felix goes to bed; we eat dinner & I pump again

10:00 pm: I pump one last time and then we go to bed

Felix is still a very happy baby--he always smiles at strangers and rarely cries, unless he's seriously overtired or hungry. He loves toys now, but mainly just to chew on. He's a toy hoarder--he just wants to gather up all his toys and then chew on each one in succession. 

He likes music and singing a lot. I forgot to mention--this month we started a class called Judy's Music at a children's playplace called the Enchanted Garden. It's babies from about 5 months to 2 years old, and Felix seems to love it. We sing, dance, and play with the many toys they have. Felix really loves music, and being sung to soothes him whenever he's having trouble falling asleep or is a little fussy.

We haven't been to the doctor since we moved here, so I don't have updated stats. Felix is too big for our baby scale! I'll update after our next doctor visit. I'm betting he's around 19-20 lbs? He also looks like he's getting pretty chubby (in a good way)! He's wearing size 6-9 months right now.

Favorite toys: Fisher-Price Rainforest Jumperoo, Little Einstein Bendy Ball, Lamaze Freddie the Firefly & Mortimer the Moose; Sophie the Giraffe

Favorite books: Felix just likes to chew on the books, and I don't think he really has a favorite. Some books that we read are Sandra Boynton Barnyard Dance, Where's the Baby?, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and Pink Wiggly Pig: What Do You Wish For? I think we need to update our selections!

Fun Things: We've introduced the ASL signs for milk, mommy & daddy, and I'm looking to start using more signs. I've also been using a bit of Spanish with Felix, and even watching Plaza Sesamo to refresh my memory. 

Felix's Outings: Yankees game, Tunnel to Towers 5K, Times Square, Carnegie Deli, Ridgefield Pumpkin Patch, the Metro-North Train, and NYC on a Friday Night!

It's been amazing settling in as a family this month and finally getting to watch Felix and his Daddy fall in love with each other!

A Breastfeeding Story, Part 4

The last time I was able to nurse Felix without him crying. I nursed him to sleep. 

Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of A Breastfeeding Story can be found here. 

My hope was that by writing this series on breastfeeding, I could help other moms who are pregnant and preparing to breastfeed, or who are already struggling with nursing their babies. I also have tried to help myself gain some clarity, and I think that I have accomplished that. Though I do feel like I have attained peace over the fact that I am an exclusive pumping mama and that my baby will probably never nurse, there is still so much that I wish I had known and done differently. 

Disclaimer: I know that many of the things I talk about below might contradict the advice of board-certified breastfeeding professionals or pediatricians, but this post is meant to be personal, specific to my situation. Every breastfeeding mama and baby is different, and no two situations are alike. This is simply what I wish I had known and done differently, for my baby. 

1. Prepare to breastfeed by reading more than one breastfeeding book written by an IBCLC and taking a class led by a good IBCLC who gives high-quality handouts to refer back to. 

Because I am by nature pretty nerdy, I spent much of my pregnancy reading everything I could get my hands on about birth, babies, and parenting. But for some reason, probably because of my misplaced confidence that breastfeeding would come natural, I only read one book on breastfeeding: The Nursing Mother's Companion. While I do recommend that book to all nursing mothers, because of the practical, step-by-step troubleshooting advice it has, I do not think it's the right book to read during pregnancy (or at least--it should not have been the only book I read). It is really more of a reference book for moms who are already knee-deep in breastfeeding and looking for answers to a specific question. 

Instead, I wish I had read more of a variety of books on breastfeeding during my pregnancy, especially Breastfeeding Made Simple: Seven Natural Laws for Nursing Mothers. I think this book would have given me a more general overview of how breastfeeding works and what to focus on in the first few weeks than I got from The Nursing Mother's Companion, which was more geared towards questions like how to relieve engorgement. 

I've also since read The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, and while I liked it, my concern with reading this book only is that it might lead the pregnant woman to feel complacent about how natural and easy breastfeeding is. Yes--breastfeeding is natural, but for some reason there are so many factors in our culture that can interfere with it, and once something interferes it can be really hard to get the natural process back up and working again. I had a sort of smug sense of security that breastfeeding would be easy for me, and I would just caution pregnant moms to be confident yet more protective of their breastfeeding process than I was. This means read more than just one book, and ignore advice given in books written by pediatricians rather than IBCLCs (International Board Certified Lactation Consultants). 

I say this, because one of the biggest mistakes I made was to rely on advice given by a pediatrician in the book The New Basics: A-to-Z Modern Child Care for the Modern Parent. I found this book while I was still pregnant after it was recommended in Bringing up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, a book that advised raising children in the more hands-off, disciplined French style. Despite my commitment to many attachment parenting concepts like breastfeeding and baby wearing, some parts about the Bringing up Bebe approach appealed to me, especially the tendency to not be overly paranoid and trust that the simplest way is usually the best way. 

So in The New Basics, French pediatrician Michel Cohen recommended feeding baby on demand, not worrying if your nipples hurt, and not fretting too much about baby weight gain. By "on demand," I took Cohen to mean that if the baby was sleeping let him sleep, and if the baby was awake and acting hungry, feed him. As I will explain later, I now believe that this approach to on-demand feeding was a huge mistake for me. I do not know if sore nipples at the outset of breastfeeding can be avoided, but I now wish that I had demanded professional help the second my nipples became sore and scabbed (which was by the end of the first day). Maybe this can't be avoided in the first weeks, but I at least would have gotten help from a professional earlier than I did. 

Finally, the advice not to worry about how much milk the baby is taking in or slow weight gain was simply disastrous for us, and for that reason I think this is one of the worst books out there. I wish I had been more concerned about milk production, baby's milk transfer, and baby's weight gain the first two weeks, instead of defensive when the first pediatrician seemed concerned. I think that by the time I decided Felix's slow weight gain was actually a problem, my supply had already been hurt by infrequent nursing and inefficient milk transfer so that it became almost impossible to get it back up. 

Besides reading a variety of the right books, I wish I had taken a more in-depth breastfeeding class than the one I attended. The class I went to after Felix was already born was led by an IBCLC and I received a folder with many reference handouts, which would have been good to have earlier. Taking a breastfeeding class led by a good IBCLC also would have introduced me to someone to call for help as soon as I suspected a problem. 

2. As soon as baby is born, get into a comfortable bed and hold baby on your chest skin-to-skin as long as possible. Get hands-on help latching baby on and keep baby on the breast once he latches. 

After Felix was born I did hold him on my chest skin-to-skin, and he immediately began rooting. But I was in such an awkward position on the floor and had no idea how to latch him on, so I didn't take advantage of those precious moments to initiate real breastfeeding. I did soon move into a chair, where I held him to breast and he licked and suckled a little bit, but I wish I had quickly gotten into a more comfortable spot so I could have just relaxed. If I had moved onto the bed with my baby, there would have been room on my sides for someone to sit and help me latch the baby on. I also would have been more comfy so that I could stay there for a long time, while my midwives did what they needed to do around me. 

This might be a controversial suggestion, but I also wish I had gotten a catheter instead of tried to pee on my own. The first reason for this is that going to the bathroom separated me from my newborn in the precious hour after he was born. It took me so long to pee that I ended up trying to take a shower to get things flowing--which didn't work. I was terrified of getting a catheter, because I just didn't want any more pain after what I'd just been through, but it really turned out to be not that bad. But the whole process of trying to pee, then showering, then finally getting the catheter took almost an hour, during which time I was apart from baby. Instead, I could have gotten the catheter while nursing and cuddling my baby instead of spending 30 minutes trying to pee and showering. 

Felix was also separated from me when our birth photographer took him to take some newborn photos. While the photos she took are some of my most cherished, I wish I had just had her take pictures of me nursing Felix, and then paid her more to come back once Bryan was in town the next day to take more photos of all three of us. This just goes to show that having a home birth can help with breastfeeding, because there are no nurses trying to take the baby away for vaccines, tests, or unnecessary baths, but a new mom needs to be just as protective of initiating breastfeeding at home as she would in a hospital. Photos can wait, the newborn exam can be done quickly on the bed next to mom, and family members can hold the baby later. 

3. Have a trusted lactation consultant come to the house in the 24-hours after baby is born. 

This might be another controversial suggestion, but it is what I wish I had done. Just as many new moms interview pediatricians, I wish I had reached out while I was still pregnant and found a good IBCLC. I would have had that person come to my house soon after Felix's birth, ideally within 24 hours, to look at his latch, help with my confidence, and remind me of what I needed to be focused on (holding my baby skin-to-skin and nursing in a quiet room as frequently as possible). Instead, I had multiple people look at his latch briefly, and everyone said it looked fine to them and not to worry. So instead I relied on that bad advice in The New Basics and assumed that the pain was normal and would just go away. I think even the first day, Felix was not opening wide enough to get a deep latch, but I didn't know what to do about it. 

I speak from the perspective of someone who had a home birth, but I've also heard that the hospital lactation consultants can be hit-or-miss. If it were me, I would have my own trusted lactation consultant come to the hospital to help me. I would want a person who already knew me to be the one to look at my baby's latch and give me confidence about breastfeeding, someone who could later come to my house if I any problems arose. 

So to recap: my advice is to shop around until you find an IBCLC you feel comfortable with before you give birth. Interview candidates, and ask them questions about their philosophy. Not all IBCLCs are alike, as I learned, and it's important to find someone you think you would have 100% confidence in. Once you give birth, have that person come to your house shortly after baby is born, and don't be afraid to have her come back to your house again if you are still concerned about anything. Consider the expense part of what you are paying for your entire birth, and save up for it if you have to. 

The IBCLC I hired charged $160 for a home visit, and then $80 for a follow-up office visit. I know there are IBCLCs who charge less than this. If I had to do it over again, I would have paid for someone to come to my house over and over again until I was sure nursing was comfortably established. Instead, I constantly questioned my mom and other females who had nursed if things looked right to them. But the thing is, It had been over 20 years since my mom nursed a baby, and nursing had come easy for her. So she didn't really know what to tell me. 

4. Be extremely focused on establishing and protecting your supply in the first few weeks after baby is born. This means nursing frequently and effectively, and letting life revolve around breastfeeding. 

If I could do just one thing over again, I would have followed a strict nursing schedule. Again--this might be controversial, but I wish I had followed the advice some books and people had given me to nurse baby every 2 hours, no matter what. This means 2 hours after he last initiated nursing, nurse again. Instead of this, I let my baby sleep when he wanted to sleep and nurse when he wanted to nurse--but my baby really did need more mother leading. He needed me to wake him up, undress him if necessary, and keep him awake long enough to get in a good nursing session every 2 hours. If he fell asleep after just a few minutes nursing, he needed me to remind him of his job. During those first few days, my Dad would frequently ask me if the baby was nursing, or just goofing off. And usually, he was just goofing off. 

Even though I knew it was important to just hold my baby and nurse a lot, I am the type of person to need more specifics about how to make this happen. So my advice for the first few days and weeks, and what I plan to do differently with my next baby, is the following: 

• Get in a comfortable bed with lots of pillows to prop you up
• Get naked, except for underwear. If you're cold, wear a cozy robe open in front, and wear fluffy socks. It's really important to have your skin available for frequent and prolonged skin-to-skin contact with your baby.
• Have the following next to your bed on an easy-to-reach table: ponytail holders, glasses, lip balm, a water bottle with a straw, tons of healthy snacks you can eat with one hand, nipple balm, diapers, wipes, & a wet bag, your phone and phone charger, and multiple pillows for propping baby. 
• Have someone, whether it is a post-partum doula or a family member, whose sole job is to make you eat and drink without having to get out of your bed. 
• Use an iPhone app or set your alarm every time you begin to nurse, so that you know when you need to nurse again. 
• Any time that baby is not nursing, hold him against you and try to snooze. Resist the urge to take photos of him or go on your smartphone--have someone else take lots of pictures for you, so you can just concentrate on nursing, eating, and sleeping. 
• If you have people who want to visit, prepare them ahead of time that you're not going to get out of bed much and they probably aren't going to get to hold the baby. They also have to be comfortable with you nursing in front of them, and more importantly YOU have to be comfortable topless in front of them. This is why it's probably best to limit visitors to immediate family for at least a week, preferably two weeks. 
• If you need something, try to find a way to make it come to you. Have food and drink that you can eat with one hand at all times. If you get bored, have a computer or TV set up with movies. Get up to go to the bathroom, take your sitz baths, and brush your teeth. 
• If you need to get up for anything or go anywhere, carry your baby in a ring sling. Practice putting baby in the sling until you can do it comfortably and quickly. Wear your baby in the sling around the house topless, and start practicing nursing in the sling. I wish I had been able to wear my baby from the start, so I could start having my hands free to feed myself and keep my baby against my skin no matter what I needed to do. 
• When you leave the house to take your baby to the midwife, pediatrician, or chiropractor, pack food so you can go and quickly go back home. Nurse baby at whatever office you go to, and as soon as you get home--don't stop at a restaurant on the way home, like I did the first time I brought my baby out of the house. I think one of the biggest things that dragged me down the first few weeks was the combination of exhaustion, hunger, and hormones I was experiencing. All of this stress can lead to decreased supply, and outings can be stressful and lead to less nursing, because you can't nurse in the car. 

To reiterate--my dearest wish is that I had held my baby skin-to-skin constantly and nursed at least every 2 hours, round the clock, for at least the first 3 weeks. Instead, I held my baby frequently but with clothes on, and I nursed whenever the baby acted hungry. By the time the baby cried, though, I think it was too late to feed him. And my particular baby was a sleepy baby--slept for long periods of time and fell asleep nursing almost every time, often just a few minutes in. Maybe not all babies need a schedule, but my baby definitely a little more leading from mommy to establish breastfeeding. 

5. Begin pumping once a day from the beginning, and after every nursing session often if baby is not gaining weight. 

I know this is going to go against a lot of breastfeeding advice, and I am not a lactation professional, so please don't rely on what I say without also seeking your own professional help--but I wish I had started pumping earlier than I did (which was when baby was just about 2 weeks old). 

Before I gave birth, I bought a breast pump that I imagined I would begin using when baby was a few months old. I thought I might need it if I ever went back to work or to study for the bar, and possibly if Dad ever wanted to give baby a bottle once breastfeeding was established (I was undecided on if I would allow this, but knew it was a possibility). So I bought a Medela Pump In-Style Advanced with a shoulder bag, and then put it in the back of my closet to use at some undetermined future time. 

To be honest, I began suspecting that Felix had latch issues on the very first day. It just didn't seem like he opened wide like a yawn when he latched on, and it always seemed very shallow. I didn't see fish lips like I had read I was supposed to see, and it didn't seem like he got much areola into his mouth. He also fell asleep often when he nursed but continued to flutter suck. I thought that since he was on my breast quite a bit that first week, that would be enough to establish a good milk supply even if he wasn't always actively suckling. But now I know that without effective, frequent nutritive sucking (as opposed to little flutter sucks like a baby on a pacifier), Felix wasn't removing milk. This led to very slow weight gain and, ultimately, low milk supply. It can take some time to fix a latch issue, especially if baby has a tongue tie, so I wish I had done the following the second I suspected a milk transfer issue: rented a hospital-grade pump and began pumping after every nursing session. I would definitely not recommend this if your breastfeeding is going well, but if you suspect a milk transfer issue it is extremely important to protect your supply in the first weeks of breastfeeding. 

When Felix's brother or sister arrives, I will obsessively guard my milk supply. I will probably begin pumping once a day from the beginning, just for insurance. But if I had to say what I wish I had done differently with Felix, it is that I wish I had started pumping after every nursing session the second I suspected a problem. And if I were to give advice to a first-time mom, it would be to have a hospital-grade pump on hand just in case there are any milk transfer troubles. Pumping once a day for insurance purposes wouldn't be so bad; pumping 6-8 times a day like I have to do now is a serious headache, and something you want to avoid at all costs. 

As a side note, I will also research galactagogue herbs to take my next pregnancy, both during pregnancy and after giving birth to encourage an ample milk supply. My midwife encouraged me to drink pregnancy tea, a quart a day, my whole pregnancy. I would make up a big pitcher of iced tea every day and sip it throughout the day. It would be easy to develop the same routine to help encourage milk--and I will definitely post about this if and when the time comes. 

6. Ignore the advice of everyone except your trusted lactation consultant who has spent a lot of time with you and your baby. 

The thing about breastfeeding advice, is that very few people have spent much time with you and your baby, watching you nurse, except for your trusted lactation consultant who has come to your home. I got advice from everyone and more--family, friends, multiple pediatricians, my midwives, lactation consultants, and even many of my birthy mama friends from Twitter. But these people, as well meaning as they are, do not always know you and your baby. For me, the conflicting advice became so confusing that I didn't know who to listen to, and I didn't trust my own instincts. I tried to follow my gut, but I actually think a lot of my gut instincts turned out to be wrong (like not waking the baby to feed him). 

So I would say to find someone, preferably an IBCLC, to take advice from and then stick to just that person's advice. I took some advice from (bad) books, some from my midwife, some from one lactation consultant, some from another lactation consultant, and even a lot from real-life friends, Twitter friends, and friends from my nursing support group. A lot of this advice conflicted, so I found myself changing plans midstream and second-guessing everything. I've never been so confused in my life, yet I've never had so much information in my life. Oh how I wish I had just had one, quality source of information and advice, and then just stuck with that. 

In case you are wondering--it is the advice of my second lactation consultant, Sharon, that I wish I had had from the beginning. Sharon would have told me to do lots of skin-to-skin, to nurse very frequently, to wake the baby if necessary and keep him awake, and to avoid giving him a bottle at all costs. But Sharon also is realistic enough to have known if there was a problem, and to have helped me to take the steps to rectify it without doing irreparable damage to my breastfeeding relationship, which I believe the first lactation consultant ended up doing by having me give Felix a bottle at 1.5 weeks. 

7. If supplementing becomes necessary, do not give a bottle. 

I knew before having Felix that bottles were not supposed to be given until breastfeeding was well established. That's why, the night when Felix was hysterically crying and wouldn't latch on, I kept on begging my mom to let me try to nurse him just one more time before giving in and giving him a bottle. I just knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but when your child appears to need milk and won't nurse, it's so hard to resist. 

During the first few days of giving Felix bottles of pumped milk, I read a lot online about how to supplement without giving a bottle. Sharon also warned me against the bottle. Other possible methods were a syringe, a little cup (imagine a shot glass), finger feeding (with a little tube taped to your finger that the baby sucks), and the Supplemental Nursing System. The problem with all these methods were that I needed professional help to learn how to use them, plus lot of encouragement and support from my family--and I didn't have that. My family just wanted me to get as many calories into Felix as quickly as possible, and scoffed at the notion of feeding him with a little cup or a tube. the lactation consultant never even told me about the other methods until I asked her about them. 

A week or so after beginning bottles, the lactation consultant finally said that maybe I should consider using the SNS. I wish I had had an SNS in my possession ahead of time, so that I could have used that instead of a bottle the second my baby showed signs of low weight gain. I also wish that I had really given the SNS a fair shot when I did finally try it--but like I mentioned earlier, it was just so hard without someone at home who wanted me to succeed with the SNS. It's not easy to prepare the SNS while your baby cries, and so, especially for a first-time mom, I think it's important to have a lot of help from a partner or family member when using it. It's way harder than nursing to have to warm milk, prepare the device, tape it to your breast, get the baby to like it and actually drink, etc.  But if Felix had never had a bottle, I think the SNS would have been a great solution to getting him more milk without separating him from the breast. 

Ultimately, I think the biggest contributor to our current inability to nurse was the bottle. There were some milk transfer, low milk supply, weight gain issues most definitely--but if I had sought to resolve these issues without resorting to the bottle, I think we'd be nursing today. I make milk (about 27 oz a day, just under what Felix needs), but now he won't even try to take it. 

8. If supplementing is necessary, go through Eats on Feets or Human Milk 4 Human Babies to get donor breastmilk. 

I knew about Eats on Feets before I had Felix, but I didn't really know how it worked and I was too nervous/frazzled to try to find donor milk when it came time to give Felix formula. Now that I have gotten donor milk from a few different people, I've found that it's pretty easy to find a donor. I joined Eats on Feets- Central Arizona on Facebook, and then posted a message seeking milk. I also responded to someone who had posted that they had extra milk. That person ended up having a lot of extra milk and she lived near me, so it was very easy for me to just drive to her house with a cooler bag and pick up her extra milk. I would also bring her extra milk storage bags to replace what she gave me. 

Milk sharing is free, and though the people aren't professionally screened or anything, you sort of just have to go with your gut. Everyone I've come into contact with is just a nice mom with a bit of extra milk who pumps once a day and freezes it. Most of these moms' babies won't take a bottle, so they have nothing to do with their extra milk except donate it. I only need 5-10 oz a day for Felix, but some moms who aren't able to make any of their own milk at all are able to get some or all of their babies' needs met through milks haring. 

If I had known how to go about finding a milk donor right from the beginning, I could have avoided putting Felix on formula altogether. As it is, I know feel very comfortable reaching out for extra milk and have even found some milk in Connecticut, where we're about to move. And Felix has not had a drop of formula for months. 

9. Learn how to check your baby for a tongue tie or lip tie. 

I don't want to get too much into the issue of tongue and/or lip ties, because this is sort of an unturned stone for us. In a nutshell, though, a lot of people I've spoken with have suggested that Felix might have struggled with milk transfer due to a tongue or lip tie. He was checked many times for a tongue tie, and everyone said he didn't have one. When I look in his mouth, I see a lip tie but no tongue tie. I don't know if the lip tie was really a contributing factor--it might have been, but it's sort of too late now to do anything about it. But I will definitely be very vigilant with my next baby to make sure there's no tongue tie, because I've read so many things about how they can impede breastfeeding. 

Conclusion 

In the end, I can't pinpoint just one thing that caused us to not be able to nurse--it really was a variety of factors. Breastfeeding didn't get off to the best start on day one, and I didn't encourage Felix to nurse frequently enough. He became a sleepy baby, often sleeping for hours at a time without nursing or falling asleep at the breast. My milk supply was low, and he became frustrated after awhile that he wasn't getting enough milk. Once he got a bottle, he started to prefer the fast flow and rubber nipple. And once I began pumping, bottle feeding, and stressing night and day about Felix's nursing, I lost motivation to also put my heart and soul into getting him back to the breast. I felt unsupported, sometimes ganged up on, and confused by all the different advice I was getting from different corners. By the time I got my milk supply up, it was too late; for awhile I kept trying to pump, bottle feed, and also nurse, but eventually I gave up trying to get him to nurse and accepted the fact that I can feed him through a combination of pumping my own milk and donor milk. 

I'll probably never get over the grief of failing at breastfeeding with Felix. Some might think I didn't try hard enough, and I'm sure that many of you read my story and were screaming in your head at all the bad advice I took and mistakes I made. I've learned so much through this struggle, though, and I hope other moms read my story and take something away from it. 

Today, my baby is happy, healthy, and oh so loved. He is now 100% breastmilk fed, and he doesn't know any different. I look forward with glee to the day I get to stop pumping, but it's become pretty routine for me at this point so I don't plan to stop any time soon. I do look forward to having our next baby so that I can achieve what I wanted for Felix--a nursing relationship that lasts as long as my baby wants to nurse. After everything we went through, I think I know enough now to knock it out of the park and achieve my breastfeeding goals with Felix's brother or sister. Thank you for reading this long, tumultuous story and thank you to all who have reached out to me since I began posting this series. 

Did you struggle with breastfeeding? Are you currently struggling? I'd love to hear your story, either in the comments or if you wish to e-mail me. 

A Breastfeeding Story, Part 3

Catch up on our breastfeeding story with Part 1 and Part 2. 

Second Visit to the Lactation Consultant 

When I left off, the latest advice we had received from the lactation consultant was to continue nursing Felix on demand (not on a schedule), followed by 3-4 oz of supplement through a bottle. So I would attempt to nurse him until he started crying so much that he wouldn't nurse, then I would give him 1 or 2 bottles--usually a 2 oz bottle of breastmilk that I had pumped and a 2 oz bottle of organic formula. After I fed the baby, I would have to pump, both to increase my supply and to get the milk for Felix's supplemental bottle. With all these steps, the one step that was probably most important--nursing--became the hardest to really focus on. 

Feeling stuck in nursing limbo, I called the first lactation consultant and asked her what I should do next--this routine, while okay as a temporary measure, did not seem to be getting me any closer to exclusively nursing my baby. I also asked her why she had not suggested that I use an SNS, or Supplemental Nursing System, to give Felix his supplement. She said that at the time, she thought the bottles would be temporary and so would not do any damage to his ability to nurse. But since it seemed clear that he still needed supplementing, maybe now we could try the SNS. 

She charged $160 for a home visit, so I decided to spend only $80 and drive clear across town (a 1 hour drive) to her office. Felix was still just a little (a few weeks old by this point), so he had no napping or feeding schedule, yet he was supposed to arrive for his visit hungry. It was so hard to time this out, so by the time we arrived at her office the little man was ravenous. We tried the whole undress, weigh, feed, re-weigh routine, but he was screaming hysterically so only nursed for a few minutes before we had to give him a bottle. 

The LC did re-weigh him, and announced that he had barely gotten .5 an ounce, re-confirming her suspicion that I had a supply problem. She did not think it was a baby issue, like a poor latch or tongue tie, but rather a mommy issue. And since the pumping did not seem to be resolving the issue, she told me there must be something medically wrong with me causing my low supply. Her main advice to me was to seek medical help to find out why I was not producing milk. 

She also sold me an SNS ($50), and showed me how to work it. I would hang a bottle of milk from my neck, and a thin tube came out of it and was taped to my nipple. When Felix nursed, he would get not only my (apparently skimpy) milk, but the supplemental milk. The LC thought this would help jumpstart my supply, but more importantly get Felix more interested in nursing because he would be getting more milk. 

So her conclusion was that our issue was primarily an issue of low milk supply, which caused Felix to refuse nursing. 

The SNS

When we got home, I tried to use the SNS. It was a pain to set up. I had to warm the milk (either formula or breastmilk), fill the bottle, arrange it around my neck, tape the tubes to my nipples, then get the baby to latch on and not freak out about the tiny tube in his mouth while he nursed. This whole setup required two sets of hands--one to calm the baby while he waited for his milk, and the other to prepare the SNS. The first time I tried it Felix took about an ounce of milk before he started crying and refused to continue at the breast. So we gave him a bottle--basically defeating the entire purpose of the SNS. 

I tried the SNS a couple more times after that, but the truth is that without a helper that was really dedicated to the SNS, I didn't feel like I could do it. It was more work than just preparing a bottle, and my Mom was just not into it. If Felix cried, she wanted to give him a bottle to ease his tears, and so I felt like I was sort of alone in wanting to really give the SNS a good try. And then my in-laws and stepdaughter Hayley came to visit, making it too awkward to try to attach this tubing apparatus every time I wanted to feed the baby in front of them. I was also not comfortable using the SNS in public. So I stopped using it, and told myself that once my visitors left I would try it again. We went back to the routine of nurse for a few minutes until the baby started crying, feed bottle, then pump. 

Making More Milk 

Things continued this way for a few weeks. The only development was really that the nursing sessions started getting shorter and shorter, and less frequent. I dropped the middle of the night sessions because Felix really wasn't getting any milk when he nursed, since he stayed on for such a short time. I started viewing the nursing sessions as practice nursing rather than nutritive, and didn't see a reason to practice nursing in the middle of the night when we were all so exhausted. 

I began to shift my focus from improving Felix's nursing to improving my milk supply so that I could drop the formula. I did not believe the LC that there was something medically wrong with me. I had my naturopathic MD test my hormone levels (prolactin, thyroid, and progesterone), and everything came back completely normal. We decided that I would try a prescription drug called domperidone, which was known for increasing milk production by boosting prolactin levels (even though my prolactin seemed fine). 

To get this off-label drug, my naturopath referred me to a woman named Shelley. The whole thing was very odd--I called this woman Shelley, and discovered that she was a mom in North Phoenix who had a lot of experiencing taking domperidone and was dedicated to helping other moms who were interested in taking it. Domperidone was not approved in the U.S. for boosting milk production, so Shelley would order it from a foreign country (I believe Thailand) over the Internet, and then sell it to other moms. I talked to Shelley on the phone and she told me everything she knew about the drug (she was convinced by her research that it was safe). She then told me that she had about 100 extra pills, and that I could come pick them up. She left them on the porch for me and I just drove over the next day and got them. Like I said--shady. 

Apparently the Internet wasn't the only way to get domperidone, because when I told my naturopath that Shelley only had 100 pills, she called me in a prescription to a compounding pharmacy in Texas. The pharmacy filled my prescription and mailed me the pills. 

I don't know if it was the domperidone, or the fact that I was barely nursing Felix at all anymore, but my milk production (or at least, my pumping yield) did start to pick up. I also extended the length of my pumping sessions from 15 to 25 minutes, and I began tracking my daily pumping output with an iPhone app. I tried to pump 7 or 8 times a day, and also started taking a supplement by Motherlove called More Milk Plus along with the domperidone. When I started pumping, I was lucky to get 2 oz at a session, but slowly I started getting more like 3-4 oz.

Originally, the LC told me that Felix needed about 25 oz of milk a day, but once he gained weight his milk needs also increased. After a few weeks of my increased focus on improving my milk supply, I was able to get 25 oz if I made sure to get in at least 7 pumping sessions a day. I slowly began to decrease Felix's formula, using it only for emergency purposes. I also responded to a post on the Eats on Feets Facebook group, a group that connects milk donors with mothers in need. The kind woman said that she had an oversupply and that she was willing to set up a milk share, so that she would pump once a day and save her milk, which I would pick up every few weeks. Once I got my first pick-up of milk, I took Felix off formula completely. 

Back to the (New) Lactation Consultant

With my milk supply up and Felix off formula, I began to feel more able to focus on enjoying my newborn. I made a conscious decision to stop angsting so much over our struggles. I wasn't going to give up, but I didn't want to let my grieving get in the way of enjoying the precious first few months of my son's life. And that's what it was--I had felt like someone had died when I realized that I might not be able to nurse Felix, and this feeling made it so hard to love being a mom. 

I continued nursing Felix, but instead of at every feeding it was more like at least once a day, so that he wouldn't forget how to nurse. My main concern was keeping my supply around the 25 oz mark, so it became more important to me to keep up with a pumping schedule than with a nursing schedule. 

Felix getting an adjustment from Dr. Becky. 

Though we were beginning to accept the reality of our situation (I was no longer crying), I began to feel that I needed to give it one more go. I scheduled another visit with Sharon, the second lactation consultant. Once the first lactation consultant concluded that our issues all stemmed from something medically wrong with me, despite the fact that I was in excellent health, had never had any sort of breast surgery, and had perfect hormone levels, I felt that I had hit a dead end with the first LC. Maybe Sharon would be able to help us get back to the breast, or at least solidify a workable long-term feeding and pumping routine. 

When Sharon asked me my goals at the beginning of our session, I told her that in a perfect world I wanted Felix to nurse exclusively and at least until his 1 year birthday, if not longer; but in a more realistic world, I told her, I wanted some kind of closure. I wanted an expert to assess our history and situation, give me a routine to follow, and help me develop a long-term plan we could stick with. 

At the beginning of our visit, we did the same old routine of undress, weigh, and try to nurse. But, again, Felix would not nurse. He was hungry and crying, and I just couldn't get him to settle in and get a real nursing session in her office. I told Sharon that this was what it was always like when I tried to nurse him, unless he was already full from a bottle. So she had me give him a bottle that I had brought with me, and we continued to talk about our next steps forward. 

Through our discussion, I told Sharon that I was finally enjoying motherhood and coming to terms with the fact that Felix might never nurse exclusively. I was okay with that, I told her, and I was okay with continuing to pump--I just needed someone to tell me what to do, long-term. Should I nurse, feed bottle, then pump--or feed bottle, nurse, then pump while Felix napped? We talked about redefining a successful nursing relationship, and how I had been able to achieve some success increasing my supply and getting Felix off formula. She was so happy that I had been partially successful on this front, and she seemed very glad that I was enjoying motherhood in a way that I had not when I first came to her. I told her that I got more joy from playing with my baby, cuddling and massaging him, wearing him, and helping him to sleep well than I had through our tumultuous nursing attempts. 

Through our conversation, we both came to an agreement that Felix was going to be just fine getting all of his calories through the bottle. I would continue to pump exclusively, and give Felix my breastmilk plus the donor milk for all of his nutrition. We would continue to nurse for comfort, but only when or if we wanted to. I decided to stop nursing Felix if he was ever uninterested or crying, and to put all my focus on keeping him healthy and happy. We came up with a schedule where I would pump less frequently, and usually while he was napping, so that I could enjoy him while he was awake instead of being strapped to a pump. I would continue taking domperidone to keep my supply up, as well. 

I left Sharon's office feeling like I finally had closure to our breastfeeding struggles. I was going to be an exclusive pumper, and that was okay. My baby was 100% breastmilk-fed. I love being a mother beyond words, and could finally just feel peace with our situation. 

Where We Are Today

Felix is now 15 weeks old and has not had formula for 2 months. He gets a 5 oz bottle of breastmilk whenever he seems hungry, which works out to about every 3 hours. I feed him once during the middle of the night, but besides that he sleeps through the night. He's getting to be a very big boy. 

I pump once in the middle of the night after his bottle, which is usually around 3 am. When Felix wakes up, around 7:30 am, I feed him and then we go to the kitchen so that I can pump. Felix sits at my feet in a bouncy chair and we make funny faces at each other the whole time I pump. I think this is Felix's favorite part of the day, and it is one of mine. I pump one more time before noon, usually while Felix is napping. I pump again in the late afternoon, usually during Felix's afternoon nap, and then again after he goes to bed, and finally once before I go to bed. When I pump, I usually pump for 20-30 minutes, and I can usually count on getting 4-6 oz a session. I almost always get 27 oz a day. We still use donor milk, usually 1 bottle a day, and we are so grateful for our kind donor. 

Felix is now in the 90th percentile for weight, weighing in at 16 lbs 2 oz at his last visit to his naturopathic pediatrician. We found an amazing naturopath for him who has supported us every step of the way, without any scare tactics. Felix is such a gleeful baby, and the only time he cries is when he's tired or (sadly) if I try to nurse him. Because nursing doesn't really seem to comfort him, we've mostly dropped nursing altogether. I still try every few days because I do still feel sad that he's starting to refuse to latch altogether, acting like I've tried to feed him anchovies when he realizes that I'm trying to get him to nurse on my breast instead of a rubber nipple. 

I don't know how long I'm going to be able to exclusively pump. If we were nursing exclusively, I would make it my goal to nurse Felix as long as possible. I would have hoped to one day tandem nurse Felix and his future brother or sister. That might not ever be possible for us, but I do hope to keep Felix exclusively breastfed until he no longer needs milk at all--which would be around his 1 year birthday. Through Facebook, I have been able to connect with many other exclusively pumping mommas around the country, and so I know that it is possible to pump long-term. I feel pretty comfortable with my pumping routine, and cannot see myself stopping unless I lose my supply. But I am much more focused on reaching Felix's 6-month birthday, when we can begin solids, than I would have been if Felix were able to nurse exclusively. 

A friend recently asked if I could try to get Felix back to the breast now that his weight is good and my supply is up. I honestly think the answer is no--and more importantly, I don't think I want to try. Felix is so content when he's taking a bottle of my milk, and so distraught when I try to nurse him. I love on him and cuddle him when I give him a bottle, just as I would if we were nursing. I wish I didn't have to pump, but I think I have accepted that this might be the conclusion to our story. There is a big part of me that can't wait to have another baby and get the nursing relationship I always dreamed of, but I remain thankful that I am able to provide my Felix with the nourishment he needs, even if it means having to pump. 

I think back on Felix's newborn days with a bit of melancholy, because of how much we struggled together with nursing. I have photos of him nursing, photos of him with milk on his face, "milk drunk" after a good nursing session. I most yearn for the first few days when all he wanted to do was nurse and lay on my chest. I wish I could go back, fix my mistakes, and have a do-over for myself and my baby, but obviously I can't. 

The thing is--Felix doesn't know that anything is wrong with how he's fed. He only knows that when he's hungry, he gets milk and it tastes good. He stares up at me with his big blue eyes while I feed him, and he feels loved. He is so, so loved, and he doesn't know any other truth than that. And that's enough for me. 

The process of writing this breastfeeding series has been so incredibly cathartic for me, and I hope that my story is able to help others who might be experiencing some of the same nursing struggles. The analytical side to me is most looking forward to my next, and final, post in this series--what I would have done differently, and what I plan to do differently with my next baby. Stay tuned tomorrow for A Breastfeeding Story, Part 4...